


find ourselves

by starryflower



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Cigarettes, Deal With It, Death, F/F, Road Trip, Suicide, TW: Self Harm, TW: just a lot of trauma, TW: suicide (mentioned), Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, everyone's out of character lol this'll be fun, fuck it i'm spoiling the characters, i'll add more tags as I write more chapters - Freeform, it'll jump in time bcs I wanted to pick up somewhere and work from there, traumatic event, travels on the road, tw: car crash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2020-02-27 08:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18735697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryflower/pseuds/starryflower
Summary: AUYasmin Khan finds herself on an adventure with a lady with a blue car and a mysterious past.





	1. On the road

We are born, we live, we die. The end. Or is it? Is there something more than mindlessly surviving through the pain, than getting through the obstacles and problems life throws at you? Is there something, anything? Is this real life? Is this how we’re supposed to live and die? Or is there more?

Yasmin Khan now knew that there was so much more. There were life and travel, music, art. And she swore to herself she wouldn’t give it up. Even if it meant losing herself and her life in the process. She loved this life, she loved the universe, she loved her. Loving her wasn’t something Yaz was ready to admit to herself. 

She loved this brilliant, adorable person with more compassion than she has ever seen and eyes so full of wonder and pain, she dared not to look into them for fear of getting lost inside them. She feared to look into them and not being able to look away, making her see how deeply she loved her. 

She loved her. 

That was something Yaz was sure of, even though she tried to bury it deep within. 

Come to think of it, that was the only thing Yaz had been sure of in the recent few months. She didn’t know who she was anymore, what living life fully meant. She wasn’t sure she knew how to get back to her old life if she even could. 

For the past few months, she had been travelling with her. With her saviour, her star. Yaz prayed for Allah’s forgiveness, but the woman in front of her did drive her mad. She made her think and look and realise stuff she wasn’t even sure she wanted to know. She made her see life, real life. And Yaz loved her for that as much as she hated it. 

„Yaz?” Jane murmured, walking up to her. 

Yaz stopped her flow of thoughts, looking at her. Her short blonde hair was a mess, her roots coming through and she scrunched up her nose as she yawned. Yaz couldn’t help but blush at the naughty thoughts that ran through her mind when she realised Jane was wearing just an oversized t-shirt. 

“Why are you up?” Jane asked her, sitting up on the hood of the car. 

“Wanted to see the sunrise,” Yaz lied quickly, hoping Jane was too sleepy to give it any thought. 

Jane was usually very observant, she had to be. That was one of the things Yaz didn’t like about her even though she admired this quality. She missed being able to lie and keep some privacy, not that she had a lot of that ever since she started travelling with her. 

“Hmm,” Jane yawned again, closing her eyes as if in an attempt to fall back to sleep. 

“Did you like it?” she asked Yaz after a minute of silence that was interrupted only by the birds chirruping quietly. 

“Like what?” Yaz asked, puzzled. What was she supposed to like? 

“Sunset,” Jane answered nonchalantly, still not awake. Yaz nodded quietly, taking in the peace and quiet. This was one of the things she loved about travelling with Jane. The peace, the freedom. 

“We need to get some fuel before we make our next stop, the old girl won’t get that far,” Jane said, patting the space next to her. 

The old girl, or the Tardis, as she liked to call her, was a deep blue jeep that was somehow still able to get somewhere, even if Jane tinkered with it all the time. Yaz had been meaning to ask Jane where did she get it, but she was sure she wouldn’t like the answer. After all, she was still a police officer, even though she left without notice, just like she left her old life for this new one. 

“Should I get the tent?” Yaz asked, gazing at the blonde. 

Her eyes were closed and she was taking in the sun rays as if they were fuel for her. Her hair was glistening in the morning light and her skin was glowing. Yaz was in awe, feeling her heart skip a beat. How could anyone look so pretty in the early hours, after sleeping in a tent and living on the run for Allah know how long? 

“Give it a minute, would ya?” Jane opened her eyes and jumped down on the ground, reaching into the car. “Smoke?” she asked Yaz as she took out a cigarette from the box she kept in the car. 

“I’ll pass, thanks,” Yaz shook her head, watching Jane light the cigarette up and putting it near her lips. 

“You do know it’s not healthy for you, right?” Yaz asked her, watching her exhale smoke that disappeared into the air. 

Jane smirked at her, bringing the cigarette to her lips once again, blowing out smoke rings. Yaz soon felt the smell of the cigarette reach her, but she was used to it at this point, as much as she was used to Jane and her reckless behaviour. 

_I wouldn’t put you in danger._

That was the first thing Jane said to her. The first night they saw each other at that pub, Jane passing through, the smell of cigarettes and weed following her. Yaz had been on duty, checking out the pub, making sure there was no underage drinking when she saw her. Blonde, mysterious, a drink in hand and a bright smile that almost managed to hide the sad eyes. Almost. 

She looked at Jane now and she was still the same mystery. She still had no idea what to do with this one. What were her motives, why did she run away from her life, why was she doing this? Maybe it was kind of the reason Yaz stayed with her so long, to solve her, get under her skin, to uncover this mystery. She was a police officer for Allah’s sake, she was not about to give up on this case. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jane asked her, throwing away the cigarette butt. 

Observing as always, Yaz commented to herself before looking up at Jane. 

“You’ve all these missed calls from your mum,” Jane stated, her tone and expression not changing, monotone as ever as if she was afraid to let herself show emotion. “I can always turn around and get you home, you know that right?” she reminded Yaz. 

Yes, she knew that, but did she want that? Did she want to go back to that town, back to living with her parents and her sister? Did she want to go back to parking tickets and checking pubs for underage drinking? 

“Yaz, I need you to answer me, I need to know you want this,” Jane told her firmly, her eyes getting harder as if she was about to shield herself from the answer Yaz was about to give her. 

“I want this, okay? I’m just not ready to talk to her right now,” Yaz admitted, swallowing the rest of the truth. I’m not ready to tell her I ran off with a complete stranger I know nothing about, she thought to herself. 

Jane nodded, her eyes softening. “Let’s get out of here, shall we?” she gave Yaz one of her smiles, the ones Yaz adored so much. 

“Sure, let’s get going,” Yaz nodded, getting back to the tent. This was going to be a long ride. 

… 

“All packed up?” Jane asked, throwing her bag into the trunk. 

“Yep, all set!” Yaz smiled, opening the door. 

The inside of the car smelled homely and Yaz had no idea how. Maybe it was the little trees Jane had hung all around. She bought one from every station she had visited and her collection was about to get bigger. Or maybe it was the perfume that Jane always used, it smelled like adventure and seduction. Not exactly the scent Yaz would imagine her wearing, but she rarely did, she mostly just sprayed it at the blanket in the back seat. 

The blanket was another mystery. Jane’s eyes always softened when she looked at it, she had such fondness for that piece of fabric. It reminded her of her old life, at least that was what she told Yaz once she got really high. 

“You want to choose the music?” Jane asked her, starting the car. 

“Yes!” Yaz smiled at her, connecting her phone, picking out a Spotify playlist. 

“And Yasmin Khan, don’t you dare make me listen to one direction,” Jane furrowed her eyebrows a little, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. She was too proud to admit she did like some of their songs. 

“You’re no fun,” Yaz rolled her eyes slightly, watching Jane stick her tongue out at her. 

The car was immediately filled with the sound of Dodie’s voice and Yaz began singing along, pouring all of her energy out into the song. Jane couldn’t help but laugh at her and her over exaggerated facial expressions, the passion she was singing with. 

“Eyy, Jane, don’t be a stuck up and sing!” Yaz laughed, turning up the volume. 

Jane joined her, laughing every second word. It was moments like these Yaz loved the most. Them both being happy, careless, free. Something she didn’t get to feel until she met Jane. Something Jane was trying to find on her travels. Yaz knew people like her, lost travellers, people that were looking for something. 

People with stars in their eyes and so much pain hidden behind said stars it could fill two hearts and still overflow. 

“Yaz?” Jane asked her, a concerned look on her face. 

For a moment, she forgot to shield herself. For a moment, Yaz forgot she wasn’t singing. Both for just a moment, a split second, both not sure it even happened. 

All the emotion on Jane’s face vanished, replaced with a blank stare. Yaz just smiled at her, hoping she was smart enough to pick up on her cue to let it slide. 

She was. 

Jane quietly nodded, focusing on the road ahead of her. Yaz was mad at herself for ruining this moment, but every day she was thinking more and more. She was in the middle of nowhere, with a stranger. No job, no family, nothing. 

She turned her back to Jane, looking out of the window at the scenery, the passing trees and fields. She had to call her mum, to tell her she was okay. It was a dick move to leave without a word, leaving behind nothing but a letter. 

_Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, I’ll travel for a while. I love you all, Yaz._


	2. The beginning of the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I tried.  
> I might finish this, fingers crossed. (No idea how long this'll be)  
> Also, the chapters will probably be short-ish because I am a dumbass, soz.

_“Yaz, honey, dad’s cooking again, so there’ll be pakora in the fridge, you can heat it up and eat it when you get home, I’m taking Sonya shopping, she wanted a new shirt, you know her. See you later love.”_

Yaz closed her eyes, replaying that conversation in her head. That was the last thing her mother had said to her before Yaz left. And it weighed on her conscious whenever she was alone. Jane had left her alone for a few minutes, leaving her alone with her thoughts and regrets. And Yaz despised this. 

“Fuck,” she murmured, punching the car door. 

She felt sharp pain right where her knuckles touched the door and she hissed, shaking her hand a bit to make the pain go away. She hated the pain but at the same time, it made her feel free, it made her think straight. Something about hurting herself made her mind clear for a moment. 

What the fuck was she doing? 

The car door opened and Jane sat down, handing Yaz a bottle of water, a protein bar and some iced coffee. 

“The coffee machine was broken,” she sighed while opening another scented tree and hanging it up on the mirror. 

“It’s okay,” Yaz smiled at her weakly, opening the iced coffee and bringing the can to her lips. 

Jane nodded and started the car without another word or a look at her. In a way, Yaz was glad. Glad she didn’t have to explain herself, to face her problems. The truth was that she needed to talk about her feelings. She needed to talk and feel and she needed to figure out why the fuck she left her old life without a second thought. 

Her mind became foggy and flooded with memories. Yasmin allowed herself to close her eyes and let herself be taken to the day it all started. 

… 

_“Yaz, honey, dad’s cooking again, so there’ll be pakora in the fridge, you can heat it up and eat it when you get home, I’m taking Sonya shopping, she wanted a new shirt, you know her. See you later love.”_

_“Bye mum, see you later,” Yaz hung up the phone, sighing._

_She loved her family and her mum, she truly did, but no matter how hard she tried to explain to her mum she couldn’t just ring her up at work, she never listened. And sometimes… sometimes it just became too much for her. She needed to know how to live, how to breathe. She needed to find herself._

_Who was she?_

_All she knew was that she wanted to be perfect. The perfect daughter, the perfect police officer, the perfect Muslim. The truth was, she was starting to doubt everything. Everything she knew about herself and her life was starting to feel like a lie._

_“Yasmin, can we get going?” her colleague asked her._

_Yaz nodded without another word, trying to get out of her headspace. What the fuck was wrong with her? She looked at her colleague, Aaron, or at least she thought it was Aaron. She never paid attention to him enough to remember his name. He was a nice-looking guy, tall, some muscles, a smile out of a magazine._

_But why didn’t she feel attracted to him?_

_It was like with her childhood friend Ryan. They were inseparable and their families used to joke about how they’d end up together. She tried to force herself to feel something for him, it just never worked out no matter how hard she tried._

_“Yasmin? Did you pay attention to anything I’ve just said?” Aaron asked her, clearly annoyed._

_She gave him a sheepish smile. She was not in the mood for an argument, she just wanted to go home, eat her dad’s terrible pakora and fall asleep on the couch because her room was too far away and she was too tired to get up. She didn’t want that much, did she?_

_“We’ll go inside, check it out and leave, okay? You’ll stay behind me, I’ll do the talking,” Aaron said._

_He clearly had it all figured out. Any other day, Yaz would argue with him for being a piece of shit and that he wasn’t her boss, but not today. She was tired of it all and just wanted this day to end already. That was a reoccurring wish most of her days for the past few weeks, but she just couldn’t help herself._

_“Understood?” he asked her, brows narrowed at her as if she was a child that did something naughty._

_She nodded, trying to force herself to stay awake. Just this one more thing and she was free to go, she could do this. Just this one thing and she could cry herself to sleep like she did every day, stuck in a cycle of sleep and work with some arguments in between to spice things up. Oh, how she wanted to get out._

_The pub was a small dimly lit room filled with smoke and the air was filled with the scent of strong liquor. Yaz felt herself get sick a bit, she hated alcohol. Her eyes got a bit watery from all the smoke and she just wanted to leave._

_“May I see your id?” she heard Aaron ask a young girl sitting at the bar, but she paid him no attention._

_Instead, she was drawn to a woman, sitting all alone at the end of the bar. She had short blonde hair with some roots and a drink in hand, whiskey, Yaz had assumed. As soon as she felt Yaz stare, she turned around and smiled at her, raising her glass as if to say “cheers” and drank the liquor._

_Yaz felt intrigued. There was something about that woman, something that drew her in. Maybe it was how she knew how to handle her alcohol, maybe it was her smile._

_“Yaz, what the fuck? I thought you were supposed to stay behind me!” she felt Aaron grab her arm and angrily whisper into her ear._

_She flinched a bit but stayed silent. She didn’t have the energy to defend herself and she knew Aaron sensed that. She didn’t know why he was like this, maybe it was because she had turned him down once._

_“Let’s go,” he growled into her ear._

_“Not so fast.”_

_Yaz looked up to see the woman furrowing her brows at Aaron. She was a lot shorter than him, but she gave off such energy even Yaz felt frightened._

_“That’s no way to treat a person, now is it?” the woman asked, her accent thick._

_Yaz felt her knees shaking a bit, her voice was so soothing even if it was full of poison and angry feelings towards her co-worker. Her voice was like honey and Yaz felt herself melting away slowly._

_“Now, darling, is it the end of your shift?” the woman looked at Yaz with eyes full of concern._

_Yaz nodded quietly, thankful someone had stood up for her, because she wasn’t capable of it at this point. She hated herself for it, of course she did. She was a police officer for Allah’s sake! She was supposed to have some authority. Instead, she left people walk all over her and she didn’t even know why._

_“Let me buy you a drink, okay? And off you go, your help is not needed, officer,” the blonde gritted through her teeth, giving Aaron one last angry look before taking Yaz by the hand and sitting her down._

_“Are you okay? He was such a dick to talk to you like that,” she rolled her eyes and called the bartender over with her hand._

_Yaz let her head down, gazing at the points of her boots. They seemed more interesting than socialising with this complete stranger anyways._

_“What do you want? Water? Wine? Something stronger?” the stranger asked her, giving her a wide smile. “And it’s on me,” she added before Yaz could even open her mouth._

_“Water, thanks,” she replied quietly._

_The blonde ordered two glasses of water and looked Yaz up and down. “Jane,” she said after a while._

_“Yasmin.”_

_“Pleased to meet you, Yasmin, I just wish it didn’t involve a massive douche,” Jane said with a dry laugh._

_Yaz looked at her, not understanding why this woman was so nice to her. She was pretty, that was for sure. Big, excited hazel eyes with a hint of sadness, a dark blue t-shirt with a rainbow stripe across the chest, skinny black jeans and boots. Not something Yaz would wear, but who was she to judge, she was in her uniform._

_“What are you doing?” Yaz asked Jane as she realised, she was taking out a joint._

_“What do you think? You want?” Jane asked her, lighting it up and taking a whiff._

_Yaz rolled her eyes. Of course, she would smoke weed, she looked too perfect to not have a major fault. It’s always the pretty ones, Yaz thought to herself. It reminded her of her high school classmates, the pretty girls always did some foolish shit to stay popular._

_“Suit yourself,” Jane shrugged._

_“Thanks… for standing up for me,” Yaz said after a minute of awkward silence._

_“No problem Yasmin,” Jane smiled, a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Why didn’t you stand up for yourself? Can’t let anyone treat you like that.”_

_Yes, Yasmin was aware of that. It just wasn’t that easy like it used to be. She wished it was, really, but her mind didn’t allow her to speak up. She just nodded, taking a sip of her water. She had to pay for it, she wouldn’t walk out of here with debt, especially not a debt for a total stranger she wouldn’t see ever again._

_“So, what brings you here?” Yaz asked, trying to shift the attention back to Jane._

_“Aah, you know, just… stuff. This is a stop, you could say,” she said, playing with her earrings._

_“A stop?”_

_“On my travels.”_

_“You’re a traveller?” Yaz asked, intrigued._

_Jane nodded, her cheeks getting a nice shade of pink. She gulped the rest of her water, smiling at Yaz, ready to get going._

_“Where are you travelling?” Yaz questioned her._

_She didn’t know where she was getting all of this initiative or energy, she just had it and wanted to know more. There was something about that woman that fascinated her from the first moment she looked at her and she wanted to know everything there was to know._

_“Everywhere,” Jane said with a sad smile, her eyes looking into the distance as if she had memories playing right in front of them._

_“Sound fun,” Yaz admitted, yearning for some adventure._

_“Oh, it is,” Jane laughed, every trace of sadness gone from her face. “I get to see new people and music, taste new food, see art. I get to live.”_

_Yaz could sense something was missing in that picture-perfect life, she could feel Jane’s pain even though she masked it so well._

_“I wish I could travel like that, my life is…” Yaz started a sentence, letting it fade out._

_Her life was something she had a love/hate relationship with. Maybe she could travel like Jane. Maybe she could find herself, figure everything out. Maybe an adventure was something she needed._

_Jane paused for a moment, a quizzed expression on her face. She was thinking, that much could Yaz tell._

_“Eh… you could come with me… I mean, if you wanted to,” Jane said finally, her face expressionless._

_“I want to, I don’t know if I can,” Yaz admitted._

_“Yasmin Khan, I wouldn’t put you in danger,” Jane said solemnly._

_“How do you know my last name?” Yaz asked, terrified. Who was this strange woman that wanted to bring her on an adventure of a lifetime that somehow knew her last name?_

_“I’m very smart, also, your tag on your uniform,” Jane informed her with a cheeky smile._

_Yaz rolled her eyes, of course she had the bloody tag. She noticed Jane’s sly smile and couldn’t help but laugh. Was she really about to leave everything behind for a total stranger?_

_All of her was screaming at her for being a fool, for not thinking straight, for ignoring the red flags. This was a complete stranger that she knew nothing about. For all she knew, Jane was ready to murder her, if her name really was Jane. But something about her made Yaz believe she meant all she said._

_Something about the way she talked and carried herself with made Yaz think Jane was telling the truth about everything, especially about not hurting her._

_…_

_“You ready?” Jane asked her in a stage whisper, standing in the doorway._

_Yaz nodded, closing the pen and getting the bag Jane wasn’t holding. This was about to be the dumbest choice of her life and yet, she felt some freedom. She felt peace, she felt calm._

_As they closed the door, the last ray of light got shut out of the room. The terrible pakora was still in the fridge and the sofa was untouched. Everything was still, quiet. The ink on the letter was getting dry, ready to be read in the next few hours. And that night, Yaz didn’t look back._

… 

“Yaz, should I stop somewhere?” Jane asked her, forcing her to snap out of her trance. 

Yaz groaned quietly, shaking her head as a response. She wanted to drive, to get away from everything and at the same time, she wanted to get back, to stay. Her thoughts were starting to not make any sense and she could feel her mind getting cloudy again. 

“Okay, tell me if you need anything?” 

Jane had a worried look on her face. She could tell something was wrong. Yaz could see Jane wanting to destroy all the walls she had put up for herself and at the same time, she was building more. She was scared Yaz would leave her. And Yaz had no idea why. 

“Of course I will,” Yaz replied to reassure her. 

Jane gave her a weak smile, focusing back on the road ahead of her. Yaz watched her features in awe, how the sun shined on her, how wonderful she looked. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Jane asked, the corners of her mouth turning up. 

“Not staring,” Yaz replied, feeling her burning cheeks. 

Jane just nodded, clearly amused. Of course, she was amused with Yaz being ashamed for staring, but she couldn’t help herself. 

She adored Jane in a way she never experienced with anyone else. And that frightened her. 

Jane was a proud out of the closet lesbian, but she never talked about her love life. Yaz only got a “duh, couldn’t you tell with all the rainbows” out of her when she asked about her sexuality. 

Yet, she felt uneasy. She was starting to question her own sexuality and she was not ready to come to terms with that. No way she was putting a label on herself, not yet at least. 

“Yaz, you’re staring into the distance again, is everything okay?” 

Busted. Yaz sighed. There was no coming back once she opened her mouth. What would she say? There was a lot to unpack and she didn’t know where to begin. Just as she was about to answer, she saw Jane pulling a U-turn. 

“Jane, what the fuck are you doing?!” she yelled, fury overcoming her. 

“Yaz, I’m taking you home.”


	3. Do you trust me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: SUICIDE (MENTIONED) maybe don't read if you have a problem with suicide  
> Jane opens up a bit, but there are more secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry if I fucked up on the languages, I legit used google translate on everything (even German and I'm learning how to do anything in German at school so lol my teacher must be really disappointed with me) except one and y'all know which one it was because it was the longest and it is my first language so lol and soz.  
> Anywho, the chapter is short, again, I don't care at this point. Thx for reading if you made it this far.

“Jane, stop,” Yaz gritted through her teeth.

Jane’s gaze was hard, her jaw clenched. She didn’t look at Yaz, she just looked forward at the road. It was like a switch went off in her head and now she was acting cold again. Cold, hostile. Yaz couldn’t believe her eyes and what was she seeing. She knew Jane sometimes acted like this, but she never went against her will and wishes. 

“Jane stop the fucking car!” Yaz shouted, tears falling down her cheeks. 

Without another word, Jane stopped abruptly in the middle of the road. Yaz could feel herself move forward, her face nearly hitting the glass in front of her. She looked over at Jane with shock written all over her face. 

“Jane, what the fuck?!” she yelled, feeling every inch of her body shake with raw emotion. 

She was pissed, angry, betrayed. And she hated the tears that were soaking through her shirt. 

Jane didn’t look at her, she just sat there, quiet. She was battling with herself, that much could Yaz tell. 

“Why did you do that?” Yaz asked, her voice was trembling with pain. 

Jane sighed, looking at Yaz. Tears were filling up her eyes. Her chin was shaking a little and Yaz could tell that whatever was on the blonde’s mind wasn’t pretty or easy for her to tell. She took a deep breath in, closing her glossed over eyes. 

“Yasmin Khan… remember when we met?” she started, looking the brunette deep in the eye, calculating her next move. “I told you, that you needed to be sure you wanted this. You were packing up your stuff and I told you that once you leave, you won’t come back as the same person you were before you left. 

“I promised you adventure, new places. But I had to be sure it was what you wanted… now I see that it… maybe you wanted this in the start. But you’re not sure anymore. And right now, you need to make your mind up, you need your family.” 

“But what about you?” Yaz asked, not caring about her blurry vision. “Jane, all of this time and I’ve told you everything. Everything from my job, my family, friends. I have given you every fucking detail that I remember and yet I know nothing about you. Not a single fucking thing. And it’s not fucking fair.” 

Jane clenched her jaw, pain filling up in her eyes. She looked away for a moment, shaking all of her thoughts. 

“Jane, I won’t leave you, because I know you’ll be alone and I can’t stand that thought. But I need you to be more open with me. I need to know I’m not on the run with a fucking stranger.” 

They were silent for a few minutes, both taking in everything that has happened. The air was filled with tension and unspoken feelings. Yaz felt herself calm down a bit, taking in a few deep breaths. There was so much more she needed to, wanted to get off her chest. But not right now. 

Jane blinked a few times, staring into the distance. She looked like the most beautiful statue Yaz has ever seen. And in a way, she was. All she had was her name, nothing more. Jane was as cold as a statue would be, Yaz couldn’t read her, she couldn’t solve her. All she had were unreadable expressions and more questions than answers. 

“Do you want to go home?” Jane asked her, her voice small. 

Yasmin could see her shrink into herself, trying to disappear. She felt her heart ache for this beautiful person, but then she reminded herself of one vital thing. She knew nothing about Jane. Was that even her name? 

“Yaz?” 

“I want you to be honest with me. I want to know more about you. I want to go with you, but I need to know you’re here for me and that you trust me.” 

“And do you?” 

“Do I what?” 

“Do you trust me, Yasmin Khan?” 

Yaz paused for a moment. Did she? She did leave her life for this stranger after mere hours of knowing her, she couldn’t help herself not to. Jane had this aura around her, this energy that drew Yaz in. Yes, she did question herself, yes, she saw the red flags, but she was desperate. She had a chance and she took it. 

“I do,” she said, looking Jane in the eye. 

Jane nodded quietly, taking in the information. 

“Okay,” she sighed after a while, turning the car keys to start the car. 

“Okay?” Yaz asked, puzzled. What was going on? 

“Okay, Yasmin Khan. Where to next?” 

“You choose,” Yaz replied, her mind filled with questions. 

Jane turned to look at her with a mischievous smile on her lips. “Allons-y,” she winked and sped up the car with a joyful laugh. 

… 

“So, tell me, where do you get all the money?” Yaz asked when Jane came to sit down next to her with two ice cream sandwiches. 

“What do you mean?” Jane furrowed her brows at her, opening up her ice cream. 

“Well, you do have an unhealthy amount of it and I don’t think you stole it all, you don’t seem the type,” Yaz shrugged. 

“I did rob a bank once,” Jane replied nonchalantly. 

“You did what?” 

“I’m messing with you,” Jane laughed. “I worked for it. It was hard work and you could say that it cost me a lot,” she said with a saddened look. 

“Where did you work?” Yaz asked, not caring the ice cream was dripping down her hands. 

“I don’t know if I can tell you that, it’s classified information,” she looked around and moved closer to Yaz, “they could kill you.” 

“Very funny,” Yaz rolled her eyes, finally taking a bite out of her ice cream. 

“I know, I’m such a comedian,” Jane smiled. “In all seriousness, I was a science worker in a really good company, that’s all I’m saying.” 

“You give me one answers and immediately follow it up with more questions than I originally had,” Yaz shook her head in disbelief. 

“Well, I didn’t know you wanted cute little facts. I would’ve played two truths one lie if I knew what you wanted from me,” Jane raised her hands up in defence. 

“Okay, but that’s actually a good game and I’m going to guess, you know everything about me.” 

“Yasmin Khan that is so not fair,” Jane pouted. 

Yaz stuck her tongue out at Jane, not giving a damn about how unfair it was. It was Jane’s turn to share something about herself. 

“Okay, at least give me a minute so I can think,” Jane rolled her eyes slightly, the corners of her mouth turning up. 

“Okay, I have it. Two truths and one lie. Okay, so first one is that I know a lot of languages,” she smiled at Yaz. 

“Jane, I everyone knows a lot of languages, it’s not that hard to say a few,” Yaz rolled her eyes. 

“I meant it like speaking, reading, writing… the whole deal of knowing a language, not just the name, obviously. The second thing is that I know how to hold my breath for a really long time. And the third is that I used to have a cat,” she ended with a wide smile. 

“Hmm… I’m calling bs on the languages one. And the second thing is also not the most credible thing ever, is long like a minute?” Yaz nudged her with a grin. 

“Actually, both are true. I used to have a dog,” Jane laughed. 

“You’re joking!” 

“Non. I’m a really fast learner and I can hold my breath for like seven minutes,” she shrugged. 

“Okay, prove the languages one, I’m not going to have you die while proving you can hold your breath,” Yaz rolled her eyes, not trusting one bit of what she was hearing. 

“Was willst du hören?” Jane asked innocently. 

“Nah, you’ll have to go harder than that,” Yaz shook her head. 

“Yasmin Khan, tu es impossible.” 

“I’m not convinced.” 

“No voy a entregarme.” 

Yaz looked at her, unimpressed. Jane could try everything and she wouldn’t believe her. 

“Kéž bych ti mohla říct všechno, co k tobě cítím.” 

“Okay, now you’re just making stuff up, I’m done with this game,” Yaz laughed, rolling her eyes at Jane. 

The sun was going down, the golden hour. Yaz loved this time of the day, the colours, the atmosphere. She looked over at Jane, her hair appearing golden in the light. She wished she could take a picture of this moment and save it forever. They might grow old, but that moment wouldn’t. 

“Isn’t it sad?” Yaz thought out loud, letting every little thought in her head flow. 

“What is?” Jane asked, looking Yaz in the eye. 

“We grow older every second, closer to death every second. The only thing we have are memories… moments captured in Polaroid pictures and sunsets like this one.” 

Jane sighed, looking up at the colourful sky. “It’s beautiful,” she murmured quietly. 

“You never told me that you had a dog,” Yaz said after a few minutes of silence. 

“Yeah, he was great,” the blonde laughed. “His name was K9, I know, don’t bully me for this, I was a little kid when I got him,” she smiled, nostalgia written all over her face. 

Yaz gave her a small smile. It was the first time she saw her open up a bit and she cherished this so much. 

“He passed away a few years ago… he was old, thirteen years, or at least I think it was thirteen years… I loved that guy with all of my heart. He was my first friend,” Jane smiled, wiping away the tear that fell on her cheek. 

“You didn’t have friends at school?” 

“Nah, who would want to be friends with the nerd? Although there was someone. I guess you could say Missy was more of a bad influence, even though we loved each other deeply. She was my first love, my first crush. We promised each other how we would travel the world, see it all… then she just left. I have no idea what happened, why did she leave. 

“She stopped coming to school without a word. Later I found out she committed suicide. She had mental health problems and didn’t tell me. Her parents told her she should keep quiet about it, that it was something to be ashamed about… 

“I blame them for it. She wrote it all to me in a letter, she wrote one for her parents and the rest of the world and one for me. She wrote everything about how they didn’t want her to go to therapy and get some help. 

“She wanted to take some meds for it, to stop it. She was forbidden to do it. She wanted it to stop, the noise in her head. So, she did…” 

Yaz looked at Jane, horrified. She saw the tears streaming down her face and could tell it was something she has kept bottled up for a long time now. She wrapped her arm around Jane, letting her sob. And then Jane hugged her back. 

Yasmin could feel her heart stop for a brief moment, before she held Jane closer, letting her sob onto her shoulder. She wanted to absorb all of this unspoken pain Jane had in her heart, buried underneath a layer of false confidence. 

“I could’ve done something,” Jane whispered, shivering. 

Yaz just held her close without a word. 

“She was so amazing, Yaz. Her eyes were the most beautiful shade of blue and even though they were sometimes cold, it was because of her pain, not because she was a bad person. She was a bad influence only because she wanted to do anything to stop hurting and it helped her forget…” 

“You were there for her, you were her friend. You did all that you could…” Yaz tried to calm her down. 

“Yaz, you don’t understand. I could have done something, anything. I was so angsty back then and cared mostly about my problems. She was always there for me and I only talked about myself. I was hurt and didn’t realise she was hurting too. I was so fucking foolish. Young and foolish.” 

Yaz stayed silent, caressing her hair. There was nothing she could say or do to make it better, so she just stayed. It was all she could do for her. Staying there for her, because from what she could say, Jane didn’t have someone by her side for a long time now. 

“Yaz?” Jane whispered into her shirt. 

“Yes?” 

“Can we go now?” 

Yasmin nodded, letting go of her. Jane looked up at her, her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were stained with tears. She was still the most beautiful person Yaz has ever seen. 

As they walked back to the car, Yaz felt Jane’s hand in her own. 

“Thank you,” Jane smiled weakly, squeezing her hand. 

“Thank you… for trusting me,” Yaz smiled back at her, not letting go of her hand. 

The sun was already down and stars were showing up. Two women were walking down the road, hand in hand without a care. They had now and that was all that mattered. 

What they didn’t know was that it wouldn’t last forever.


	4. No more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning, traumatic event, death

Forever could be such a short time. Everyone always thought forever was the longest, the most perfect. Forever could be gone in the blink of an eye and the pain that stayed afterwards? That pain wasn’t forever, it was eternal, infinite. 

„Jane? Jane, wake up,“ Yaz looked at her with a look full of worry. 

The blonde opened her eyes in shock, gasping for air. The car. She was in the car again, wasn’t she? 

She looked around to see just the walls of their tent and let out a heavy breath, sitting up. It was happening again. Of course, she shouldn’t be surprised, she wasn’t taking her medication, how foolish of her. 

The brunette put her hand on Jane’s shoulder, caressing it softly. 

It was okay, she wasn’t in the car, she was here, in the tent with Yaz, her brilliant, most wonderful Yaz. How could it not be okay when she had Yaz by her side? Of course, there would come a day when Yaz left her, like everyone did, but until then… until then she had someone to rely on. 

“You okay?” Yaz asked quietly, the worry not quite leaving her eyes. 

“Yeah… I’m okay,” Jane lied, giving her a small smile. 

“You were crying in your sleep Jane…” Yaz said, her hand caressing Jane’s shoulder even more, as to show that it was okay. 

“…Just a nightmare,” Jane answered without looking Yaz in the eyes. 

She knew she could tell Yaz anything, she wouldn’t judge, would she? But this was something she had to go through alone. After all, she was starting to develop feelings for the charismatic and amazing girl, even though she knew it was wrong. 

Yasmin was young and naïve and good. She didn’t deserve her emotional baggage and the mess her life was. Yasmin deserved someone good, someone who could give her the whole world. Jane was just a living mess of a person that didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Not now, not ever. 

And even if Yaz had feelings for her, she couldn’t possibly get in a relationship with her. She promised that to herself. 

No more. 

And not even the wonderful Yasmin could make Jane break her promise. No more. She would not break it. 

. . . 

Broken. 

She looked at the broken CD and ran her thumb across the crack. She could feel her eyes filling up with tears as she tried to blink them away. It didn’t work. 

It was as if the whole world stopped and all she could see was the broken CD. She could never listen to the songs; she could never relive the memories. No more. There were no memories left. Every day she felt herself forgetting more. It was mostly the little things. Did she prefer her hair up or down? Did her laugh sound more like a waterfall or a spring rain? She was worried it would continue. 

. . . 

Rain. There was rain everywhere. The tent was flooded and she was sitting in a poorly lit diner, quietly watching Yaz sip her hot chocolate. Yaz looked so good with her hair up in a messy bun with the neon lights behind her. Jane gave Yaz her sweater, knowing Yasmin’s clothes was soaked. Jane herself was freezing but she did not care. All that mattered was Yaz and her safety. 

“Do you want some?” Yaz asked her, moving the paper cup closer to Jane. 

She shook her head with a small smile, looking out into the dark. She had no idea where they were, she just knew she had to run, she had to move forward. Yaz had often asked her what was she running from, but she just dismissed that question. She wasn’t running away from anything, was she? 

If anything, she was running to things. She wanted to see it all before it vanished. Before the world turned to dust, before it all burned down. She wanted to see it all, every little detail. Because nothing ever stayed the same and she wanted to… had to… see it. 

“Jane? You’re spacing out again,” Yaz notified her with a playful smile. 

Sweet, kind Yaz and her beautiful smile. It was real, one of the only real things she knew at this point. She used to get compliments for her smile when she was a little kid, where did all of that go? Was her smile genuine at this point? It used to be, right? It was genuine when she was with her. 

“Did anyone tell you that you have such a beautiful smile?” Jane asked her, lost in her own world. 

“Thank you, I guess?” Yaz smiled again, her hair falling in her face. 

Jane moved forward to put her hair behind her ear and smiled at her. She could easily get lost in Yasmin’s eyes, they were such a nice shade of chocolate brown and they were even sweeter, just like her smile. Jane felt as if she could walk in the stars in Yasmin’s eyes, she wanted to memorise and name every constellation. 

. . . 

Stars were shining down on them. 

Nothing except quiet, the stars and them. Days were mingling with other days, everything seemed like a blur. All she knew was that it was a beautiful night and she never wanted it to end. She felt Yaz take her hand and squeeze it softly, as if she was scared. Jane felt her heart skip a beat, her cheeks turning a nice shade of pink. It felt nice. 

“So, do you know anything about the stars, miss I know science?” Yaz teased. 

Jane laughed quietly, moving closer to her. She could almost hear Yasmin’s heartbeat; she could smell her perfume. She smelt warm and sweet, like homemade cookies, fuzzy blanket, warm fireplace and mulled wine. She smelt like home. And Jane was almost sure she would taste like home too. 

“Yaz?” Jane murmured as if she was trying not to disturb the nature. 

“Yeah?” 

“Kiss me.” 

A rush of adrenaline and endorphin running through her veins. She could hear every breath; every moment Yasmin’s heart skipped a beat. She could smell Yaz’s scent wrap all around her, making her feel at home. She felt Yaz fill all her senses. There was nothing and there was everything. 

Yaz was all she felt, all she could sense, feel, know. Yaz was everything. 

She put her hands in her hair, thirsting for more with each second, feeling full yet hungry. Her mind was clear and yet full of thoughts. And each and every one of them was about her. Yasmin was her universe, her drug and she was a traveller, an addict that didn’t know when or how to stop. 

. . . 

“STOP!” she yelled as she sat up. 

Tears were streaming down her face as Yaz held her in an embrace, not letting go. Jane was sobbing into her shirt, not knowing how to stop herself. Stop, stop, stop… Why didn’t she stop? Why couldn’t she stop? 

“Jane, love, it’s okay, you’re here with me,” Yaz whispered in her hair, hugging her tighter. 

“Why… stop… why,” Jane sobbed, her heart aching. 

“Jane, you’re safe, we’re okay,” Yaz smiled at her, trying to calm her down. 

“Please don’t leave me.” 

Her voice was cracking, full of unspoken pain. Pain that was buried deep down and was trying to get out no matter the cost. She could feel Yaz gripping her tighter, rocking her softly. 

“I won’t leave you.” 

“Promise?” 

“Promise.” 

. . . 

Promises, all these empty promises. It was all everyone knew how to do. Promise and break it. She should know, she’s broken too many promises to keep count at this point. What were promises even for when all she knew how to do was break them, like everything else. 

Knowing how to break stuff was her special talent and all she was good at. 

It was a hot day and she parked the car in the shade so they could relax a bit. She sat down at the hood of the car, took a cigarette out of the box and put it between her lips, getting ready to light it up. It was a bad habit, she knew that, of course she did. But she couldn’t help herself. 

“Smoking again?” Yaz teased, taking the lighter out of Jane’s hand. 

“And what about it?” Jane smirked, putting the cigarette in her hand while trying to get back the lighter. 

“You know it’ll kill you, right?” she kept on teasing the blonde. 

“Everything kills you; we are born dying. Also, it is more probable that I’ll die in a car crash,” Jane said nonchalantly, waiting for Yaz to give her the lighter back. 

“You just made that one up,” Yaz laughed, giving up the lighter. 

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t, I won’t share my secrets that easily,” Jane stuck her tongue out at Yaz and lit up the cigarette. 

“When did you start smoking anyways? You don’t seem like the type,” Yaz asked, sitting down next to Jane. 

“I don’t seem like the type most of the time… you don’t seem like the type to run away with a stranger and yet here we are,” she shrugged, blowing some smoke. 

“Touché,” Yaz rolled her eyes softly and laid her head on Jane’s shoulder. 

“Did you call your mum?” 

“No… not yet… I guess I’m scared a bit,” Yaz admitted, closing her eyes and sighing. 

“That’s understandable,” Jane nodded her head and squeezed Yaz’s hand tightly, “but we are in this together.” 

. . . 

Together. 

Together as one, together against the universe. Time was flying so fast she couldn’t take it all in. It was as if she had lost her mind, nothing made sense anymore. One moment she was fine, enjoying the world and everything it had to offer, the next one she was having nightmares again. Her days were blurry, she didn’t know when one ended and another one started. 

This was not supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to enjoy it all with Yaz by her side, finally not alone. She was supposed to be head over heels in love. And yet she was supposed not to break her promise. Who was she at this point? 

She took the blanket in her hand and ran her thumb across the sewn in letter J. She remembered that day, how could she forget. Maybe the details got hazy over time, but she remembered how happy she was. How happy they were. 

. . . 

Happy. Was she happy? Or was she just surviving on bliss or what was left of it. Was she glad she had this life? She was sure she would give it up if it meant saving the people she loved. She tried so hard, but they didn’t let her. Why didn’t they let her save them? All she had to do was just use the machine and save them. Sure, she would die in the process but they were worth it. 

She wasn’t worth it; she didn’t deserve this life. All she was good at was failing, how ironic. If they had just left her do it. But no, little old Jane was traumatised and unstable, Jane please leave this building and never come back, you are a danger to us and this world. 

But every time she closes her eyes, she sees them. She sees it. The car. Stop. STOP. 

. . . 

_“STOP! We are going too fucking fast! Jenny’s fucking scared!” she yelled, tears forming in her eyes._

_“Jane can you shut up for a moment!” Jane yelled back at her, there was no way she was backing out now._

_Jane felt her heart aching. Of course, she knew she didn’t have to bring Jenny into this. She felt her spirit sink a little every time she heard a sob from the back seat. She turned around and gave the blonde girl a weak smile, trying to assure her it would be okay._

_“Can you please just stop the fucking car?! You are putting us all in danger and acting reckless,” she yelled at Jane, her eyes full of fury._

_“I am reckless? How about you not telling me you were fucking around behind my back?!”_

_“Jane it was to get information and you fucking know it!”_

_“Yeah, what information were you trying to get, hmm?! The length of his fucking dick?!”_

_“Jane SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MOMENT AND FOCUS ON THE ROAD!”_

_Jenny started crying in the back seat. Jane turned back with tears in her eyes, giving her another weak smile. “See Jenny, that’s what happens when mum cheats on mummy,” she said, her words tasting like venom in her mouth._

_“Jane look at the fucking road there’s a fucking-“_

. . . 

“RIVER! River sweetie I am so fucking sorry, I-“ 

Yaz hugged Jane, letting her cry onto her shoulder. 

“River, Jenny… I’m sorry… I AM SORRY!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sure do enjoy making Jane's life a living hell don't I?


	5. The burns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm  
> Heyyyy sorry about not posting for a whole while, stuff came up heheh

It was another night on the run. Yaz couldn’t even remember which day it was, how long has she been gone? Did anyone miss her at home or have they just moved on? Should she come back?

But then she turned to look at the woman next to her, with that half full bottle of some strong liquor in one hand, a cigarette in the other. She looked at the mystery that was this woman and her life and how she wanted to know more. 

She had to know the truth. 

Jane brought the bottle to her lips, taking a sip, her nose scrunching up a bit. She was wrapped up in that blanket, eyes glossy. Yaz knew Jane had trouble sleeping, but it was just getting worse and worse each day. 

“You okay?” Yaz asked carefully, watching Jane jump a little. 

“Yea, ‘m fine,” Jane murmured, her words almost as shaky as her. 

Jane pulled the blanket closer to herself, her frame appearing smaller. Yaz moved in closer, hugging her. Jane tensed up a bit, then relaxed as soon as she realised that Yaz was with her. Her Yaz. Her wonderful, brilliant Yaz that deserved so much better than the fucking mess that she was. 

Yaz looked at her with such worry in her eyes, watching Jane’s hands shake. She watched the blanket slip from one of Jane, revealing a tattoo on her right thigh covered in burn marks. 

Fresh burn marks, like ones from a cigarette. 

Yaz put the rest of the blanket from her way, looking closely at the burns. There was a lot of them, covering up the small tattoo. It was a date in black ink and a beautiful font. 

“Jane?” Yaz asked her, tears forming in her eyes. 

Jane bit her lip, covering her thigh with the blanket, looking away from Yaz. She could feel Jane stiff up, her breathing getting heavy for a moment or two. 

“Jane what is this?” Yaz asked, taking Jane’s chin in her free hand to make her face her. 

Jane’s eyes were glossy and red and puffed. In that moment Yaz could see how little sleep she got, her dark circles being one of the main pointers. Her cheeks were soaked with tears, her chin shaking a bit. 

“Jane, please, talk to me,” Yaz pleaded, trying to dry Jane’s tears. 

“Yaz…” Jane sobbed, looking away from Yaz. 

“Promise me you won’t do it again, please,” she hugged Jane, held her to protect her from everything bad in the world even though she knew she couldn’t possibly do that. 

Jane buried her face in her hands, letting Yaz soothe her. She hated how weak she was. She couldn’t sleep, she would dream about them. She would see Jenny’s scared eyes filled with tears and sorrow, she would hear River’s terrified voice, she would see the fucking headlights of that drunk driver. Why did she have to survive? Why didn’t she just die with her girls? 

. . . 

“The tattoo…” Jane started, a few days after her breakdown. 

Jane tried to pretend it never happened, hiding her thigh with long trousers, even though the weather was warm and sunny. Yaz tried to pretend she didn’t find empty pill bottles, empty liquor bottles, broken CD pieces. Jane tried to pretend she didn’t put the hot end of the cigarette on her skin to let it burn out. 

Yaz wondered how long this would work out; the silent treatment, the pretending, the not noticing. She knew one of them would break first, one of them would bring it up. Both of them thought it would be Yaz. And yet, there they were, siting in front of their tent, watching the stars as they always did. 

“Mhm?” Yaz looked up from her mug, facing Jane. 

“It’s the day we adopted our daughter, Jenny.” 

There was a bittersweet smile on her lips, her eyes glossed over with tears, again. Yaz hated how those tears hid those beautiful hazel eyes, she wished she could somehow make them disappear. 

“My… my wife, River,” Jane paused, closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath. 

Her voice was cracking, shaking like her whole body. She seemed so small in that moment, so helpless, so lost and lonely. Yaz could tell even saying her wife’s name hurt Jane. She wanted to tell her to stop talking, she didn’t want to see her suffering like this; but she also knew this could help Jane. Allah knows how long she held that in. 

Jane let out a shaky breath, opening her eyes. She didn’t dare to look at Yaz and Yaz didn’t blame her. 

“My wife and my daughter died in a car accident,” she finished, showing how broken she felt. 

“I’m sorry, that must’ve been hard for you,” Yaz said softly, so quiet she doubted Jane even heard her. 

“My wife was… unique,” Jane let herself smile but her smile was filled with sadness and pain. “She was a professor, very smart, dare I say smarter than me.” 

Yaz let out a dry laugh, putting her hand on Jane’s back to let her know. She was not alone. 

“We worked for this organisation called UNIT, well, she did. UNIT is basically military, she did some missions here and there, very important stuff. I worked for Torchwood, they are kind of under UNIT, kind of their own thing… I don’t really know how much you can know, they might kill us both if I get into too much detail,” she laughed and Yaz laughed awkwardly with her, unsure if she was serious. 

“We were… experimenting. Did I tell you that I’m a doctor? Well, I’m a doctor, doctor Jane Smith, sounds kind of weird to say it out loud after all this time, especially if people just called you by your title. Well, anyways, where was I? 

“We were working on this… thing… it was very complicated, very science-y, very… dangerous. I guess you could say we were trying to play god. We were trying to build a machine that would bring people back to life. I don’t think you realise how useful that would be – a murder victim? Not anymore. A soldier dead in a war? Now they’re alive.” 

“Where’s this story going?” Yaz asked, looking Jane in the eye. 

“Well, you see… we never really tested it on a human, so when my girls died, I was desperate. And then I lost my job and my place. It wasn’t really my home, not after they… and I lost my life in the exact moment the drunk driver hit the car…” 

Yaz took Jane’s hand in her own, running her thumb across Jane’s palm. “It wasn’t your fault.” 

“No, Yaz. That’s the thing. It was. Because I was driving the car when that asshole hit us. I was mad and shouting and if I could give my life for theirs, you bet I would. THEY deserved to live, I don’t.” 

. . . 

It was another day on the road. Jane seemed more herself, getting in at least some sleep. It wasn’t ideal, but at least she slept for about five hours each day. When she got tired, that happened a lot those past few weeks, Yaz would take over when driving and let Jane at least relax. It was the least she could do. 

The blanket moved to the front seat or wherever was Jane sitting. The broken CD was still kept inside the car, only it moved to the trunk next to the empty bottles. The perfume was used sparingly, only having a few drops left inside. 

“I worry a lot,” Jane said, her eyes closed. 

She was sitting on the passenger’s seat, the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Yaz somehow got her to agree that she was not in the right state to drive and took over the wheel of the old girl and making fun of Jane for not driving her properly. That car deserved better and Yaz was there to give her the ride of her life. 

“About what?” Yaz asked, keeping her eyes on the road. 

“Forgetting them,” Jane admitted, opening her eyes and looking intensely at the road. 

“I know what you mean,” Yaz admitted sadly, her thoughts drifting away to her nani, her heart aching a little. She knew damn well what Jane meant. 

Jane nodded silently, diving into her seat. Of course she was worried, everyone is, aren’t they? 

“Yaz?” she asked, turning her attention to the brunette. 

Yaz couldn’t help but smile at how adorable she looked. Her hair was a mess and her rainbow shirt were a few sizes too big, but she had this twinkle in her eyes, that sparkle, drive. It was something Yaz couldn’t resist nor did she want to. 

“Can we stop at a shop before we get to the motel?” 

. . . 

“Jane, I am really flattered that you chose me to do the honours, but do you really trust me that much?” Yaz questioned, raising her eyebrow at the half naked woman in the room. 

“I am positive that you are the right person for the job,” Jane nodded, looking at herself in the mirror. 

The room was filled with songs on some spotify playlist Yaz found. She watched Jane tap her foot to the beat of some older song and prayed to Allah _pretty woman_ wouldn’t come up. 

“Okay, but are you positive that you can’t wear a shirt or something?” 

“Yaz! I like my shirts too much and we can’t just destroy the towels here, can we?” 

Yaz shook her head in disbelief and tried not to think about the fact that Jane was sitting in front of her in a bra. She took the scissors in her hand and took a deep breath. If she screws up Jane’s hair, Jane brought this on herself. 

. . . 

“Okay, I want to see it,” Jane smiled at Yaz, drying up her freshly dyed hair. 

Yaz had no idea how she could use up two bottles of dye just to cover Jane’s roots, however she was kind of happy with the cut. It wasn’t exactly straight, but neither was Jane, so it was fine. She wouldn’t notice, no one would really, because there was a lot else to notice. 

“I fucking love it!” Jane cried out, smiling from ear to ear. 

Her forehead was still covered with purple dye, but she looked so happy and adorable that Yaz couldn’t help but laugh. She did look kind of hot with that violet shade hair and a bob. 

“Yaz I- thank you!” Jane wrapped her hands around Yaz and Yaz embraced the hug immediately. 

She loved this adorable human and wanted her to be happy with all of her heart. Seeing Jane smile meant the world to Yaz and she felt her heart ache a bit when she realised that this love would never happen, even though it was the strongest thing she’s ever felt. 

Yaz looked up at Jane and watched her smile. “Yaz?” 

Yaz nodded, not taking her eyes off of her. She knew damn well that woman still had no shirt on and didn’t really want to risk looking elsewhere. “Can I kiss you?” 

Yaz swallowed all of her thoughts and nodded again, feeling her heart beating faster than ever. Maybe it was the fact that they were alone in a room, maybe it was Jane’s lack of a shirt, maybe it was just Yaz coming up with gay panic. 

She let Jane take control of the kiss, simply enjoying the moment. Jane looked at her with worry in her eyes. Yaz knew what that look meant. She nodded and gave her a small smile. Jane slowly moved her mouth to Yaz’s neck, planting kisses on every inch of her skin. 

Yaz could feel Jane bite down her skin a bit, trying to analyse what was happening. Was this real? Was Jane really there or was it a dream? She felt the gay spirit overcome her, she felt her cheeks becoming hot and reddish, she felt the butterflies in her stomach. 

This was real and from what she felt Jane just gave her a hickey. Did Yaz want to go further with this? Was she ready? She loved Jane, she really did, but was it the right time? Jane looked in her eyes, making sure it was okay. 

Before Yaz could react, her phone rang. She looked at Jane and then at her phone. Jane gave her a smile and went for a shirt, messing up her hair a bit, making it look dishevelled. Yaz rolled her eyes at the phone and got up to see who was calling. 

Her heart sank when she read the number. “Jane? I’ll take this outside…” 

Jane nodded and gave her a small smile and a thumbs up as to let her know that she got this. Yaz knew she didn’t have this. She could feel the anxiety rising up when she walked through the hall and got outside the motel. 

She looked at her phone that had stopped ringing by that point and bit her lip. Maybe it was time to face it all. Maybe she should just call and listen to the music. After all – she caused this mess. She brought this on herself, it was her fault. 

She took a deep breath and touched the screen, listening to the beeping. And then someone picked up. 

Yaz could hear the quiet on the other side, the loud breathing. It was now or never, no backing up. She had to do this. She let out a shaky sigh, her voice raspy. 

“Hello mum.”


	6. Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya, me again.  
> Sorry for the loong wait, but here I am.  
> I was acting all like "ugh this chapter is dealing with hard stuff" and like, no, I just make Jane suffer, but feel like I'm doing a bad thing when I make Yaz's life a bit hard, okay, a big bit but y'all get the drill.  
> Aanyways, enjoy this chaos.

_She always took the same route when she went home from school. Always the same, never changing it with even one little step._

_Yasmin found her strange from the moment she saw her. The girl with the routine, the girl walking with her head in the clouds. The girl that was a dreamer._

_And yet Yasmin couldn’t help but find her interesting. That girl wasn’t loud, she wasn’t very social and she was probably one of the most ordinary girls Yasmin ever saw and somehow, it made her more fascinating than everyone._

. . . 

“Yaz?” 

Yaz looked up at Jane, shutting her eyes to stop the tears from falling. She didn’t want Jane to see her cry, nor did she want to see the confused look on Jane’s face. The confusion, the hurt, the pain. Jane lost so much already and there she was, losing another person. Yaz couldn’t look, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she saw it. 

“Yaz, is something wrong?” Jane asked, her voice small, broken. 

“I just… I can’t, okay?” Yaz cried out, fiddling with the zip on her backpack. 

“You can’t what…?” 

Yaz didn't dare to answer. So she left. 

She could feel the hot tears running down her cheeks as she left the hotel, praying that Jane wouldn’t come after her because if she did, Yaz wouldn’t be able to leave. 

. . . 

_“How come you always go the same way?” Yasmin asked her one day._

_The girl looked up at Yasmin from her book, her chocolate brown eyes almost looking through Yasmin, like if she was wanting to see her core._

_“Sorry?” she replied, keeping one finger on the word she stopped at._

_“When you go home from school, you always use the same route, every day the same path. Doesn’t it get boring after a while?”_

_The girl smiled, a small mischievous smile that made Yasmin blush. “I like the routine. And who says I’m always walking down the same path?” she grinned at Yasmin, making her heart stop._

_“What do you mean?” Yasmin asked, her curiosity turned up to thirteen._

_“Well, for one the path is never the same. Different people, different weather, trees, colours of the leaves, the sun never shines the same. And if you get bored with the scenery, you can make another one,” she shrugged, closing her book._

_“I have to admit, I’m kind of intrigued,” Yasmin said after realising she got more questions than answers._

_“I know you are,” the girl chuckled as she put her book in her bag._

_“Would you please explain?”_

_“Maybe…”_

_“Please?”_

_The girl looked Yasmin up and down, finally giving her a small nod before turning on her heel and walking away._

_“Wait, I don’t even know your name!” Yasmin yelled while going after the girl._

_“You’ll know where to find me, stalker girl,” she laughed, winking at Yasmin and disappearing within the crowd._

. . . 

“Excuse me, please, do you know where is the nearest bus stop?” 

Yaz stopped yet another person, asking for directions. She stopped counting them after the seventh rejection she got. She had no idea where she was, she had a very limited amount of money on her name and nowhere to go. The hotel and Jane were too far away now and she didn’t intend to turn back. 

Truth be told, she had no idea what to do. In the middle of nowhere, being ignored by everyone, having nowhere to go. Jane was not an option nor was her family. What has gotten into her? But she had to get back. She had to. 

. . . 

_“Hey, come back!”_

_The girl turned around, giving Yasmin a small wave. Yasmin felt her heart skip a beat, choosing to ignore the strange feeling. “Mystery girl!” she proclaimed, running a bit to catch up with her new friend… they were friends now, right?_

_“Stalker girl,” she smiled at Yasmin, making her blush again._

_“I prefer Yasmin.”_

_“Okay, Yasmin, I’m Destiny.”_

_“Funny,” Yasmin rolled her eyes, nudging her friend a bit._

_“No, I mean it. My parents have a weird sense of humour because I was an unwanted child. Literally. They tried everything they could to get rid of me while they still could, gave up trying after a while. ‘Must be destiny’ they said and well, it stuck.”_

_“That must be a fun story to tell at parties,” Yasmin chuckled._

_“You have no idea.”_

_The two girls walked together in silence, simply enjoying each other’s presence. Yasmin had so many questions but she didn’t know where to start. She looked over at Destiny to find her lost in thought, looking up at the trees as if she was studying them. “Destiny?”_

_Yasmin worked up the courage to start talking, making her friend jump a little. “Yes?”_

_“What did you mean by ‘making up a scenery’?”_

_Destiny smiled, a sudden look of sadness flashing through her eyes, gone so fast Yasmin questioned it was ever there. “I like to read. Reading makes you smarter, it increases your vocabulary, it makes you grow as a person. It makes you question your views; it makes you think about stuff._

_“It also makes you long for adventure. If you choose the right book at the right time, your life might be changed. You get to explore new worlds, you meet new people as you look at the world through the eyes of someone else, fictional or not._

_“Yasmin, the real world is sometimes not enough.”_

. . . 

Yaz sat on the bus, feeling it move away from Jane, from her adventure. She felt her heartache with every inch, she felt the pain and the guilt. She also felt something different. Maybe it was hope, maybe it was foolishness. Who was she to know? 

. . . 

_“How can it not be enough? I mean, look around,” Yasmin noted, taking in the beautiful autumnal scenery. It was breathtaking._

_Destiny looked around and pointed to a woman with a pram. She seemed happy._

_“What am I supposed to see? She’s happy with her baby,” Yasmin shrugged while getting kind of frustrated._

_“Exactly. She’s content with what she has. She has her baby, she probably has someone at home waiting for her, she’s happy with our reality. She’ll get a mediocre job, she’ll save up for a white fence house with a red roof and if she gets lucky, maybe she’ll travel somewhere in the summer on a ‘holiday’ to relax for five days while attending her family as she does at home._

_“And she’s happy with that, she wants that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not for me. I want something different, something more. I want adventure and travel and exploring. And I think you want it too, Yasmin, because you don’t seem like the type to strike for the ordinary.”_

_“I just want to be happy,” Yasmin said quietly, suddenly feeling sorry for the mother and her kid. Why was Destiny so rude and assumed she knew something about this woman’s life?_

_“We all do, Yasmin, but what is your version of happy?”_

. . . 

Yaz knew she wanted more of the universe. She wanted to travel and to live. And now she was running away from it. Or maybe she just had enough. Maybe she was destined to live in a white fence house with a red roof with a child or two and work until her death. Maybe she could start as a police officer again, maybe she could save up for a holiday near the beach. Maybe she could be happy with that. 

Jane was too far away now and her family was too close. Why was she coming back? Was it her mum crying into the phone? Did she miss them? 

Did she? Did she miss them? Because it seemed like after her Nani died, she had no one to call family. Yes, she loved them, but they were never close. Not with her well-meaning father, not with her always working mother and certainly not with her sister. 

She had all these expectations to live up to and she was tired of it. Not only that, but she had a secret. A secret that created a gorge between her and everyone else around her. Something she just couldn’t share, ever. 

So why was she coming back? 

. . . 

_What is my version of happy? Yasmin asked herself when she got home._

_She knew what she would answer if people, especially relatives asked her. A house, three kids, a loving husband. She could be a lawyer, a doctor or a stay at home mum to make sure her kids grow up alright. She would have a garden that she would tend to, she would pray together with her husband and kids. She would smile at him when he left for work while handing him his pakora for lunch._

_She had her future and happiness lined up. And now she just had to stay in the lines. Pleasing everyone around her meant their happiness and that meant her happiness. Because she had to be perfect, she had to live up to certain expectations._

_She had to keep everyone around her happy so she could be happy._

_Yasmin clutched her Nani's watch in her hand as she cried herself to sleep. If she could make everyone else happy, she would be happy. And happiness was all that she wanted._

. . . 

“Miss, this is the last stop,” the bus driver said to Yaz, waking her up abruptly. 

She opened her eyes and groaned, feeling the terrible night in every inch of her body, feeling the dried tears on her cheeks. She looked up at the white-haired bus driver that gave her a sympathetic smile. “Long night?” he asked. 

Yaz nodded without a word, slowly getting up from her seat. 

The driver looked her up and down, concern coming over his features. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to intrude on you or something, but are you okay? Do you have where to go? You look pretty down and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.” 

Yaz blinked a few times, stunned. She wanted to scream, of course she wasn’t okay and she had nowhere to go, she had no idea what to do. She also wanted to smile politely and tell him everything’s fine and to mind his own business. 

She stayed there for a few moments, silently looking at him. “No,” she replied after a while. 

He smiled at her sadly, getting back to the front of the bus. “Sit down kid, I have to get this bus back, shift’s over. And when we get off, I know a great café, we can go there and sort things out a bit, only if you want of course. I’m Graham by the way.” 

“Yaz.” 

. . . 

_“Yaz.”_

_“What?” Yasmin asked, raising her eyebrow at Destiny._

_“I’ll call you Yaz. It’s shorter and cute. Like a friendship nickname.”_

_“What’s a friendship nickname?”_

_“A nickname only your friends get to call you. So you’ll still be Yasmin, just Yaz to your friends.”_

_“I don’t have friends, Destiny.”_

_“Of course you do silly, you have me. I’m your friend so I’ll call you Yaz. And now you get to pick a fun friendship nickname for me.”_

_“I don’t think I’m creative enough for this…”_

_“Yasmin Khan I dare you to give me a nickname,” Destiny raised her eyebrows, flashing a mischievous grin at Yaz._

_“Hmmm… how about Tiny?”_

_“Why Tiny? I don’t like it,” Destiny scrunched up her nose in disgust, gaging._

_“Because you’re short and you always talk about humans being tiny specs in the universe,” Yaz shrugged._

_“But humans are tiny specs in the universe,” Destiny pointed out._

_“Maybe… Destiny?”_

_“Yes?”_

_Yaz took a deep breath. She had been dealing with her demons for a long time now and it was time to come clean… at least partly._

. . . 

She was right. All Yaz knew was that she was right. She wanted more, so much more than what was planned out for her. And she ran away because it was too much. She was too ordinary for such a life. She was too weak. 

Graham walked with her to the café, smiling at a young man behind the counter. “James! Is he here?” 

The brown-haired man shook his head as he headed for the coffee machine, “as usual?” 

Graham nodded, taking a closer look at the desserts. “Pick anything kid, I’m paying,” he briefly turned back to face Yaz, giving her a reassuring smile. 

Yaz wanted to argue, she could pay for her stuff. Except she couldn’t. She was unemployed and broke, having spent her last money on a ride back to a place she no longer called home. She briefly looked over the menu, deciding to order the cheapest thing she saw. She felt like a burden to this to her unknown man that already did more than enough for her when he let her on the bus even though she was short on money. 

“I’ll have the tea, thanks,” Yaz said quietly while trying to produce a pleasant-ish smile. 

James nodded, warm brown eyes smiling at Yaz. He seemed like an elegant man, very prim and proper. His eyebrows were done, hair was styled just enough to give him a polished hipster look. Yaz couldn’t help but compare him to Graham, whose style seemed more comfortable and grandfatherly. That was, of course, to be expected, given his age, at least Yaz thought so. 

“Nonsense, you can’t go around ordering the cheapest thing you see! James, please, make this girl a hot cup of chocolate or coffee or something and bring her the best dessert you have. Also, one chocolate cake for me please,” Graham came up to the counter, shaking his head, “girl, I know that you want to make it easier for me, but if I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t have asked you, would I?” 

Yaz nodded quietly, messing around with the sleeve of her sweater. She started to feel uneasy about all of this, about everything. What was she doing? What would she do? She had so many questions and no answers, so she just sat down at one of the tables with Graham and looked out through the window at the rainy autumnal scenery outside of the café. 

“Here you go you two, they should be here shortly,” James came up to the table, putting down two trays with their orders. Graham thanked him and brought his tray closer to him, getting ready to drink his coffee. 

“Thank you…” Yaz said quietly, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. It was sweet and delicious, reminding her of one of the evenings she spent with Jane. Yaz shook that thought right away, not willing to cry because of her foolishness. “Why did you do this?” 

Graham looked up at her from his cup, a sad smile forming on his lips. “I don’t think you would understand.” 

“I’d say I’m pretty smart, try me.” 

Graham chuckled, putting down his coffee, thinking for a while. Finally, he sighed, looking Yaz in the eye. “This isn’t about being a smart kid, it’s about experience. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. When you live through something, you realise life is too short. It’s too short to mind my own business and not try to help out when I can.” 

“Must’ve been really something to make you talk to a stranger on a bus after already helping them out once.” 

“Yeah, it was. Something and someone. Someone special that made me see the world differently, someone we could all learn from,” he smiled. 

The bell of the café rang, making Yaz jump a bit. She looked up to see two people enter in through the door, young man and an older woman. Yaz couldn’t help but feel at peace when she saw the woman smile, making her way to their table. “Graham, dear, now who did you pick up this time?” 

Graham looked up, smiling up at the woman. Her hair was done in braids and she had on what seemed like a very cosy cardigan. Yaz could see a piece of jewellery on her – a turtle necklace. She sat down next to Graham, taking a bite out of his cake. He gave her a fake sad look and watched her laugh with an expression only people deeply in love have. 

“Ryan, stop bothering James and come say hi to Graham!” she said in a slightly louder voice, turning to the young man, Ryan. 

“He’s bothering me,” he rolled his eyes slightly with a smile on his lips as James furrowed his brows at him, earing a peck on the cheek from Ryan before making his way to the table. “Hi gramps,” he smiled at Graham before turning back to the woman, “happy nan?” 

“No! Come and sit down with us for a bit, tell us about your day.” 

“Grace, let that boy live for a moment, it’s not like he saw James a few hours ago and texts him every five minutes,” Graham teased, cupping Grace’s hand in his own. 

Yaz looked at them, at their dynamic. A happy couple, their grandson and this aura of bliss all around them. She felt like an imposter and in a way, she was. She wasn’t supposed to sit at this table, she was supposed to be with her own family or with Jane. 

“I think we should talk about your new friend gramps before we start talking about me, don’t you think?” Ryan said, turning the attention back to Yaz, who wanted to disappear from that café, or the earth. Disappearing from the earth entirely, that would be better. 

“Yeah, right, so this is Yaz. Yaz, this is Grace, my wife and Ryan, my grandson,” Graham did the quick introduction, trying to make it less awkward. 

“Let me guess love, he found you somewhere and thought he should help out because you were sad,” Grace smiled at her, taking another bite of Graham’s cake. 

“Oi, that is only because I learned from the best,” Graham objected, pointing out each time Grace has stopped and gone out of her way to help someone out. She rolled her eyes slightly at him, more impressed than annoyed. 

“So, Yaz, what’s the matter?” 

. . . 

_“What’s the matter? You seem sad,” Yaz said, her pace getting faster to catch up with Destiny._

_She looked pained, wincing at Yaz’s touch on her upper arm. She turned around to face her, tears running down her cheeks._

_“Destiny? What’s wrong?” Yaz asked, suddenly anxious. What was going on?_

_“Yaz I… I’m moving…”_

_“But… but you can’t move!” Yaz exclaimed, her voice shaking. This had to be a sick joke, it had to._

_“I’m sorry, there is nothing I can do about it.”_

_Yaz looked at her hurt expression, the hot tears being replaced with new ones before they could get the chance to dry. “I’m sorry.”_

_“How much time do we have left?”_

_“Today… we have today.”_

_Shock came over Yaz, her heart aching. When was Destiny planning to tell her? People can’t move in a day; they have to plan this stuff ahead of time. How long has she been lying to Yaz?_

_“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”_

_“Because I thought I could do something about it… I’m sorry Yaz.”_

_“I’m sorry too…”_

_Destiny looked up at Yaz, her eyes were still full of tears. Yaz could feel her whole body hurting, she felt as if her lungs were filling up with water, making her unable to breathe. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t leave her. She was her only friend, Yaz wasn’t going to lose her after such a short time of being together._

_“Can we walk together? I need to show you something…”_

. . . 

“I don’t actually know where to start…” Yaz sighed, closing her eyes shut. 

Here she was, telling her story to total strangers, yet she somehow felt at peace. Maybe it was the fact they didn’t know her, maybe it was finally opening up to someone. Maybe she was opening up because they couldn’t judge her. After all, she was in control now. Everything they could know depended on her. It was her choice to share and to stay silent. She could tell her story; she could change it. She could make it her own. 

She didn’t have a chance to do that in the real life. 

. . . 

_“What did you want to show me?”_

_“Just a little longer, try to keep up,” Destiny chuckled, although the sadness was still apparent in her voice._

_The two girls came up to a cliff, looking down at their hometown coated in beautiful autumnal colours. Destiny sat down on the grass, patting the spot next to her. Yaz sat down on that spot and watched the peaceful scenery._

_“It’s beautiful,” she said in awe, completely forgetting the matter at hand._

_“I want you to remember me by this place. So that every time you feel sad or alone, you come up here. Because up here you can see how small we really are, how ordinary we are. So, when you come up here, you can realise how much more you can do. You can see how small everyone else is and how much you can do because of this realisation.”_

_“I’ll miss you, mystery girl.”_

_Destiny smiled, resting her head against Yaz’s shoulder. “I’ll miss you too, stalker girl.”_

. . . 

“Let me get this clear… your mum just told you to come home, so you did?” Ryan asked, his mouth agape. 

Yaz nodded, a huge weight coming off her chest. It was kind of freeing to let it all out, she thought to herself, thinking back at Jane and her bad coping mechanisms. 

“So she just told you to get home, no other reason?” James made sure, his arm around Ryan’s shoulders. Yaz nodded again. 

“Why would you go back? It didn’t sound like you really liked your old life,” he pointed out, shifting a bit as Ryan went to grab his cup with tea. 

“She might have said something else,” Yaz admitted, her eyes filling up with tears. 

. . . 

_“Hello mum.”_

_Yaz could hear a shocked breath at the other end of the line, her mother quickly composing herself before she said anything. What am I doing? Yaz realised, but it was already too late._

_“Yaz?”_

_Yaz swallowed hard. She swallowed her pride, her thoughts, her voice. It was now or never, whatever it was that was supposed to happen._

_“Yes, it’s me.”_

_Her mum collected herself once more, sighing loudly into the speaker._

_“Yaz, come back home, please.”_

_She couldn’t reply. What would she say? She was underprepared, shocked, scared, anxious. She was alone. She wanted someone to tell her what to do, to feed her the lines. She wanted, no, needed someone to point out what to do, to play with her like a puppet, to dress her up, give her the lines and give her a role to play in her own life._

_She needed it yet she ran away from it and now she had no idea what to do._

_“Yaz?”_

_Still no reply. Yaz was standing there, completely still. She took control and yet lost it. Who was she even anymore? She didn’t recognise herself at this point, but was that old Yaz ever really her?_

_“Yaz… Sonya's in the hospital.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still here, hey, hello, hi again.  
> When I write this story, I try to make it real, now with the content, but with the emotions, the feelings. I feel like my stories lack description, my chapters are too short and nothing ever happens, everything is too fast, but then I remember that I usually write this story when I'm not feeling my best, but good enough not to mope around and cry all day, so maybe after one breakdown. Kidding... maybe.   
> Anyways, I don't expect anything really great from this story, not many descriptions of stuff and really fast-paced story, but if I make you think or feel for a bit then I'm happy.   
> After all, we put ourselves into our work, whether it be stories, paintings, songs, anything really. We put bits and pieces of our own lives, thoughts, feelings and stories into our creations, big and small. And if I managed to get you thinking or feeling with the characters, then that's all that matters to me.   
> I hope you have a nice day dear reader♥♥


	7. You are my home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: car crash, not really described well, but y'all know, just to be safe, also my girlie Jane needs therapy

She had no idea what time it was.

Days and nights were blurring, mixing with each other and she had no idea, how she got this lost. She was lost, lonely, weak. So weak and so small. She fucked up, again. And there was no return, no way out. Nothing. 

She could smell her perfume, memories coming back, racing through her mind, making her even weaker and smaller than before. She could see the lights in front of her, blinding her even though they weren’t there. 

She was standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down at the waves crashing against the rocks. The wind was cold against her damp cheeks and it was making her hair fly in all directions. Her vision was blurry from the crying, her eyes were red and puffy. 

“I’m lost,” she said to no one in particular, looking down at the tumultuous waves. 

She could almost hear her voice. She’d say, “I know, sweetie,” and hold her hand. She’d look at her with those wonderful eyes full of passion and compassion, she’d kiss her with those sweet lips, and she’d hold her, never letting go. 

Jane looked away from the water and shifted her gaze at the car. She could see her, even though she knew it was just her imagination. She could see her standing there, looking as beautiful as ever; those curls that had a mind of their own, the same curls that used to tickle her forehead every morning, when she turned to face her and snuggle up against her, breathing in her scent. 

She could see her confident posture, she knew she was breath-taking and didn’t need reminders, even though she liked to listen to them. She could see her eyes, those brilliant blueish-green orbs that used to be the last thing she saw every night, and the first thing she saw when she woke up. 

“I’m lost and I’ve fucked up, River,” she said, her voice breaking with every word. 

“I know,” she replied, giving Jane a small, sad smile. 

“I don’t know how to fix this?” Jane cried out, laughing in between sobs. She was desperate and oh so broken. 

River said nothing, she just watched Jane, not coming any closer to her. 

“I’ve fucked up and now I’m talking to my dead wife,” 

“We all have our weak moments,” River laughed, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“Please help me,” Jane said, her voice even smaller than before. 

“You know that I can’t do that.” 

Jane didn’t reply to that, she just swallowed her words and nodded. Of course, she knew that. River wasn’t there. She was just in her head like she always was. But she would give anything to hold her again. 

“You know,” River said after a while, getting Jane’s attention, “I don’t blame you.” 

“Of course you blame me. You’re in my head, I made you up.” 

“Yes, yes you did. But you know what the real River would say. You’ve loved me too much, you still do.” 

“The real River isn’t here. I killed her. I killed her and our daughter.” 

“It was an accident. Those things happen, Jane.” 

“Not to me. They shouldn’t happen to me. I should’ve listened, I should’ve paid more attention, I should’ve saved you!” 

Tears began streaming down Jane’s cheeks again and she was shivering. Partly from the cold, partly from the emotions, partly from the whole world. “I should’ve saved you,” she whispered, not daring to look at River. 

“Jane?” River said, her voice unsure, “Jane, I need you to do something for me.” 

Jane looked up, her shoulders slouched, her posture was sinking into itself. 

“Jane, I need you to forgive yourself and move on from us.” 

. . .

_“Why are you up so late?” River asked, coming up to Jane with two cups of tea in her hands._

_She gave the blue one to Jane and she happily accepted it. It was her favourite mug, deep blue like the night sky, with little constellations everywhere, even on the inside. Jane took a sip of the hot beverage and leaned against her wife._

_“I’m just thinking,” she said quietly, her eyes studying the night sky like it was the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. Well, almost the most beautiful thing. Jane looked up at her wife adoringly, her hazel eyes meeting River’s, that seemed like a deep shade of teal in the dim night light._

_“Stop staring,” River smiled, rolling her eyes at the antics of her wife._

_“Can’t. I just have the most beautiful, brilliant wife I could have ever asked for.”_

_River didn’t say anything, but her cheeks did take on a reddish shade._

_“I don’t know how I got so lucky,” Jane whispered, closing her eyes._

_“What are you doing?” River asked her, making Jane open her eyes._

_“I’m trying to remember this moment, forever.”_

_“Why? We are going to have so many more moments like this one,” River questioned, gently running her thumb across Jane’s hand._

_“Sometimes… Sometimes I get scared. Scared that you’ll vanish into thin air, that I’ll lose you. I get scared that I’ll have to spend even a moment without you, River.”_

_River looked Jane in the eye, all of the stars glistening in them, covering up the tears. “You’ll never lose me.”_

_“You seem like something that is too good to be true, you know? You’re too good for me, I don’t even understand why you fell in love with me.”_

_River’s eyes filled up with tears as she saw the sad expression on her wife’s face. “Hey now, I fell in love with you because you are you. You are my person and I love you.”_

_Jane nodded quietly, leaning her head against River’s shoulder. River wrapped her arm around her, pulling her closer. Jane breathed in River’s scent, making her feel calm and cosy. “River?” she whispered, looking up at the stars. River hummed in response._

_“You are my home.”_

. . .

Jane looked at River, her expression was full of hurt and confusion. “River?” 

River smiled at her sadly, still standing still. “Move on, please.” 

. . .

_She heard the sirens. What she didn’t hear were her own screams. She could see all the lights, the fire._

_She didn’t know how she got out of the car._

_She could feel the smoke filling up her lungs, she could feel her legs moving her somewhere, but she didn’t know where._

_Her mind was blank. All that she could hear was ringing in her ears and some distant echoing, voices, sirens. Background noise. Her body was moving on its own, like if she were on autopilot. She had no idea what the fuck was happening, her head was pounding, her vision was all messed up and she couldn’t feel anything._

_What was she doing? She looked back and saw the car and the fire. Why was she walking away?_

_Memories were coming back to her piece by piece, making her flinch. There was a crash._

_There was a crash and she was the only survivor._

_She fell down to her knees and screamed. She wished that she didn’t get her memory back._

. . .

“How can I forgive myself?” Jane asked, sobbing uncontrollably. 

“I forgive you,” said a small voice, so kind and so innocent. 

“Not only do I fuck everything up, but my mind also decides to torture me every chance it gets, doesn’t it?” Jane yelled, trying not to look at the small child that her mind has made up out of thin air. 

Her mind punishing her with River was one thing. But Jenny? 

“Mummy, we need you to move on.” 

. . .

_Jane was mindlessly walking down the path. She didn’t need to learn how to ignore everyone that was staring at her and making comments, she was so numb she barely knew what was happening, or that she didn’t have any shoes on._

_She didn’t notice how the cold snow made her feet feel, how she didn’t have any more strength to go on. She stopped by the grave and stared at it blankly. It was pathetic. If anything, she was the one that deserved to die, not River nor Jenny. They didn’t deserve their fate._

_Jane fell on her knees, soaking her trousers, making herself even more cold in the process, but she didn’t mind. She didn’t mind the cold or the coughing that began a few weeks ago. She didn’t care about the terrible state that her feet were in due to their exposure to the cold. She didn’t care at all._

_All she ever cared about was gone. Everyone she has ever cared about has left._

_She could still feel Jenny’s small hand in her own, as she told her it would all be okay. She could smell the smoke and gasoline. She could see their expressions, the lights, the darkness that has consumed her. She could hear the cries, the screaming, the sirens._

_She could feel the weight of it all. And she loathed it._

_She could’ve done something, anything, but she didn’t. And now she was lost and all alone._

_She could feel the tears running down her cheeks once again, but she didn’t have the strength to do anything. She couldn’t yell, she couldn’t fight, she couldn’t get up. She had nowhere to go._

. . .

“You… you were my home. And I killed you.” 

River and Jenny looked at Jane, their expressions full of pain. 

“I killed my home.” 

No one said anything for a while. Jane felt herself giving up. She could feel her will and strength slipping, she was losing all control. 

“I’m lost,” Jane admitted, sitting down at the edge of the cliff. She looked down, the rocks getting sharper as her vision focused more and more. She took a deep breath, weighing her options. She was lost and talking to herself. Couldn’t get worse, could it? 

Jane curled up into a ball, tears making her vision blurry once again. A few drops of rain fell on her arms, making her shiver a bit. She was cold, she was so fucking cold and so fucking hopeless. There were sobs in her throat that were trying to get out. There were screams that were trying to be heard. There was desperation. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, letting the sadness overtake her. 

. . .

_“You look like shit.”_

_She didn’t turn around. She didn’t look at him. She just blankly stared at the grave, praying that it was a bad dream._

_She learned how to ignore her surroundings a long time ago after she learned about how everyone looked at her. They thought that she was a mess, that she has lost her mind. There she goes again, staring at that grave like a freak was something, that she’s heard a lot. And if they didn’t judge her, they pitied her._

_And she didn’t know which one was worse._

_She heard the snow crunch underneath his boots as he kneeled next to her, looking at the grave. She didn’t acknowledge him and just kept on staring, not really processing anything, that was happening.”_

_“You’re freezing,” he murmured, giving her his coat._

_Once again, she didn’t react, she just accepted the coat without a word. She was cold and shivering, but she didn’t care. All that she could think about was how lost she felt. How alone she was. How much she hated life, how much she hated reality. She was given the world and somehow managed to lose it. She managed to destroy one of the few good things that she’s ever had._

_“Jane?” he asked her, his voice full of worry._

_She hummed quietly to let him know, that he got through, that she didn’t tune him out. She had no strength to do anything, not even protest as he took her in his arms and lifted her up from the snow-covered ground._

_“I’ll take you home, okay?” he said, his blue eyes scanning her with such concern._

_Her eyes filled up with tears at the mention of home and she slightly flinched. “My place then,” he murmured as he noticed her tense up._

_He put her into his car, his grey coat still warming her. She wanted to disappear, to stop existing. They didn’t speak the whole ride there, simply being in each other’s presence was enough, enough for her to calm her down and enough for him to stop worrying about her._

_He led her into his apartment and gave her a rainbow blanket, that she adored so much. She had to get it for him on his birthday a few years back when she saw it at the shop as a little inside joke since most people thought that they were together, but they were both gay._

_The rainbow blanket became a symbol of their friendship, that was even stronger than that. They were a family. She could count on him and he could count on her. They both didn’t really know how they’d describe their relationship other than being family. It wasn’t really a sibling-like relationship, it was more based on understanding, respect and both being dorks._

_If it was any other day, they’d laugh together, joke around, he would drink a few glasses and joke about her not being able to handle her alcohol, because she hated the taste. But all of that has changed ever since the accident._

_“I was looking for you, didn’t find you at home though,” he said, his voice strong and firm._

_She looked up at him, knowing where this was going. She swallowed all of her words, ready to hear the music._

_“Jane, why the fuck do you have so many empty bottles at home?”_

_“Jack…”_

_“No, don’t say anything. Jane, you know that I love you, but this has to stop. You’re killing yourself right before my eyes and we both know River nor Jenny would want you to do this!”_

_She flinched at the sound of their names, her heart skipping a beat. She knew that he’s noticed her reaction and she’s noticed the slight regret in his expression._

_“Jane… you are killing yourself. You started drinking, smoking, your house’s a mess… I know you’re hurting, but you can’t go on like this, you need to get up and do something.”_

_“Like what, Jack? You’ve fired me from my job, I have nothing to do and no one to turn to. Do you expect me to just sit all alone in a fucking empty house filled with memories? Do you expect me to just take it and move on? Do you expect me to go on with my life with this fucking hole inside my heart?_

_“I’ve lost everything, and you dare to tell me to move on? You don’t understand how it feels, Jack. I fucking lost them and I fucking killed them!”_

. . . 

“Dear, do you have somewhere to go?” 

Grace gave Yaz a concerned look as they got up to leave the café, Ryan staying behind with James a little longer. Yaz shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. She felt like she was acting selfish towards everyone involved in her situation. 

“You could stay with us tonight, we can drive you home tomorrow, it’s too late today,” Grace said as she put her hand on Yaz’s shoulder to make her feel better. It wasn’t working. 

“I don’t want to trouble you, you have been too nice to me already,” Yaz protested, but Grace motioned for her to be quiet, not having any of it. 

“You won’t be alone in a city you don’t know, not on my watch.” 

Yaz swallowed her words and nodded quietly, kind of glad, kind of ashamed. Yes, she was glad she didn’t have to sleep on the street and get home Allah knows how, but she was also ashamed to trouble them. They already did so much for her and she was just making up complications for them. 

“Come along, Yaz,” Graham turned back to her, holding the door. 

Yaz swiftly came out of the café, breathing in the scent of rain and cigarette smoke, instantly reminding her of Jane. She could see her, her blonde hair glistening in the rising sun, messy after a long night. She could almost feel the soft fabric of her oversized shirt that always fell enough to uncover her collarbones. 

Fuck. She was gay. 

The drive to Graham and Grace’s house was very quiet. To be frank, Yaz had no idea what she would tell them, and they told her to stop thanking them and apologising after the fifth time she did it. Grace put on some music and hummed along with the tune while Graham drove, showering Grace with occasional looks full of love. 

“You can sleep in Ryan’s room, he can take the sofa or just crash over at James’,” Grace turned around to face Yaz as the car slowed down in front of the house. 

“You really don’t-“ 

“I insist love, you had one hell of a night.” 

“Okay…” Yaz sighed. 

The house was exactly what she had expected, warm and cosy, giving off a homey vibe. She felt instantly calm, breathing in the peace and quiet as well as the wooden scent from the furniture. 

“Can I get you something to drink love? And Graham, go fetch that poor thing some pyjamas to change into.” 

Yaz turned to face Grace as she made her way to the kitchen, filling the kettle with water. 

“Tea would be nice, thank you,” she replied, unsure whether she should sit down or help Grace or Graham around. 

“Well, don’t stand in the hall darling, you can sit down, I’ll bring it shortly. Oh, and if you want, I have some wine or eggnog, don’t tell Graham though,” Grace smiled mischievously, winking at Yaz. 

“I don’t drink,” Yaz admitted as she sat down on the sofa in the living room. 

Oh, how she remembered how much grief her classmates gave her for not drinking. Jane was also a bit disappointed when she had no one to share a drink with, but she managed with the words ‘more for me.’ Jane always did that, asking if Yaz wanted to drink with her. She had thought it was weird, did Jane seriously forget that she didn’t drink? After a while, she realised that Jane did it to be polite in case Yaz changed her mind, which was unlikely. 

“Okay love, just let me know if you change your mind or want anything,” Grace smiled at her, pouring the hot liquid into the cup. 

She put the cup on the coffee table in front of Yaz along with a tray filled with biscuits. “I don’t know if you’ll like them, but it’s all we have, truth be told we weren’t expecting guests,” she laughed, sitting down on a chair that she pulled up closer to Yaz. 

“Thank you,” Yaz said gratefully as she took a sip of her tea. 

“There we go, a nice pair of pyjamas, sorry I took so long,” Graham shouted from up the stairs, coming down into the living room with loud thumps. 

“I made you tea love, it’s in the kitchen,” Grace laughed at his antics, rolling her eyes fondly. 

Yaz couldn’t help but smile a bit at their dynamic, it was clear as day these two were head over heels for each other and truth be told, she hoped to one day find someone to click with as much as they did with each other. Yes, her parents had a wonderful relationship, but they had nothing on Grace and Graham. 

They talked for a while, making the evening feel a bit nicer. Yaz felt calm, almost as if nothing was going on, just a relaxing atmosphere and a nice company. Unfortunately, there was this feeling, buried deep inside her mind that wanted to come back, that wanted to break free. It was the realisation of what was going on. 

She had been on the run with a stranger for a long time, she was currently inside a house of again, complete strangers and she was coming home after leaving without notice, running from everything she had at home. This realisation was heavier than she wanted to admit, opting to ignore it once more. 

She could deal with it later after a good sleep. 

When she parted ways with the lovely couple, she stepped inside Ryan’s bedroom, ready to crash and call it a night. Long gone were the times when she had a comfortable bed, she was used to sleeping in a tent, in a car or in a motel if they got lucky. 

Not that she would have it any other way, she loved the nights she spent with Jane, cuddling in the chilly summer nights to keep warm. She loved Jane’s scent and how warm her body was against her own. She loved how Jane’s hair tickled her chin when she curled up next to Yaz, almost as if she wanted Yaz to protect her. 

Yaz changed into the pyjamas Grace has lent her, lying down on the soft bed. She struggled to keep her eyes open, eventually falling asleep as she heard someone call her name. 

“Yaz.” 

. _“She needs you; you know that?”_

_Yaz opened her eyes, her vision flooded with warm, gold light. She blinked the light away, focusing her gaze on her surroundings. It didn’t take her long to realise that she was at that place where she played two truths and one lie with Jane._

_Jane._

_That name made her hurt, it felt as if someone had pierced her heart with a dagger and twisted it, smiling wickedly as Yaz felt all the pain._

_Still, she couldn’t stop and think about Jane. She has left her and that was final. Her family needed her. Her sister needed her, they all needed her… right? But then again, Jane probably needed her too._

_“Yaz?”_

_“Hello?” she Yaz called out, looking around, trying to take in the scenery._

_It was the golden hour, a beautiful sunset. She could smell the flowers, their nice sweet and light scent; she could feel the breeze on her skin, enjoying the warmth that flooded her. And there she was, standing underneath a blossoming tree. Yaz recognised her immediately, running up to her._

_Her nani was standing there, smiling at Yaz with a smile, that didn’t reach her eyes._

_“Nani?” Yaz asked, confused._

_“She needs you, Yaz. I know you know it, that’s why you’re having this dream,” she said, the scenery around her suddenly changing and shifting._

_The sun disappeared and dark clouds overtook the sky. Raindrops fell onto Yaz, making her shiver. Everything became dark and gloomy, the flowers died and withered and the hill was replaced by a cliff. She saw a small figure standing at the edge, looking down._

_“Yaz, you need to find her,” her nani said before vanishing into thin air._

_Yaz looked around, confused. What was happening? She saw Jane looking down into the water, tears mixing with the rain on her cheeks. And then she made a step and disappeared in the water and in that exact moment, darkness and light mixed between Yasmin’s eyes and she woke up, screaming out one name._

_Jane._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and sorry that there was no new chapter for such a long time, but life's been draining and very busy recently


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